Please pass along this email to your husband or other significant other, at your discretion, of course.
(LyP completely acknowledges (and apologizes for) the teeth-gnashingly flagrant sexism (which apologies will undoubtedly be likened to the spluttering apologistrophe that followed the Snickers-incited-two-men-kissing and subsequent chest-hair-pulling commercial) not to mention (but she will) the unremitting gender bias, but she posts this for the same reason as the Mars company ran the commercial: even if you don't like/agree with it, most of you will probably chuckle at some point, even in spite of yourselves.
Husbands and Other Significant Others:
Make This a Great Valentines Day!
It’s I, Mz. Romanz, and I’m sending along this Guide to Husbands and Other Significant Others. To make this Valentine’s Day the best ever, Mz. Romanz recommends the following:
- Write her a poem consisting of at least three lines.
- Each line should consist of six to seven words of one to three syllables.
- If you exclude the words “babe” and “football” it’ll be a winner.
- If you mention something like “can’t imagine how I ever survived without you” or “you make my heart sing” you may even see welled tears.
- If you mention something you remember about her, you’ll see the tear trail, or as we call it in the biz: lovelines!
- It can be anything. Really. So this would work [feel free to use this as a template it you wish]:
/ From your darling <husband | lover | your_name> to my dearest <wife | lover | sweetheart’s name>:
/ I remember your <face | hands | feet | eyes | other body part> on our <first date | wedding day | other important anniversary>...
[Note: Do NOT use “breasts” or “butt” or derivatives of same. At Valentine's Day, these are not considered “body parts” per se. Tip: Using “eyes” is almost always a good bet.]
/ You were <freezing | burning up | fainting | worried about your <drunk Uncle Ned | crazy ex>>
/ I couldn’t have imagined how <wonderful | fantastic | amazing> our life would be together.
/ With hopes for many more Valentine’s Days to come.
/ Your_name [written in the best script you can muster]
- If you can’t bring yourself to write a poem, draw a picture with crayons. Tell her you’re trying to recapture youth, yada yada. You’ll figure out something.
- Hold her hand and look into her eyes longingly.
- To create a longing look, think of how to spell “magnanimous.”
- Count to three or four.
- Really, that’s all there is to it!
- Do something for her that you don’t usually do.
- Rinse off the dishes.
- Take out the trash before she asks.
- Refill her tea when it’s half full.
- Take off your shoes and socks in the bedroom [I know this can be quite a stretch for some of you, but try it!].
- If you don’t think this will win you points, you’re wrong. It will. I mean it!
All of these things work best when accompanied by a sincere feeling of love, but (unfortunately or fortunately, depending on whether you’re the woman or the man) they work whether you mean it or not.
OK, that ought to do it.